..all the drinks were dead/And all the glasses dirty (Philip Larkin Unpublished 1965)

It’s happened, so it’s finally safe to say it now: Owen Hargreaves has joined Manchester United for approximately £16 million. No one is saying that his injuries of last season have lost him a yard of pace - whatever that actually means.

Two Queens Park players who disappeared during a team orienteering exercise in the Highlands under then-manager Ian Holloway in 2004 have become Sven Goran Eriksson’s first signings for Manchester City.

Marlon Harewood is reported to be a target of Martin O’Neill at Aston Villa, who is also considering that thing called a swoop - for Shaun (shouldn’t that be Sean, really?) Wright-Phillips. I really can’t think of anything at all to say about this.

Derby County are reported to see David Nugent as the ideal foil for Robert Earnshaw.

Shinto comes to Britain as Tottenham Hotspur buy Kensal Green cemetery, the last of London’s great burial places that actually has room for more. Japanese fans will be able to purchase plots for themselves and their ancestors from the club, and it is reported that some 1500 exhumations are already underway in Honshu alone. It has been a clause in the contract of all players who have joined under Martin Jol that the club own their burial rites, and negotiations with the families of many former players with regard to putative moves to Kensal are said to be advanced. Guji Yukitaka Yamamoto, author of “Kami no Michi” has been on Spurs’ payroll since 2005 and will be in sole charge of Kensal from the start of the new season.

Lawrie Sanchez, who has done well so far to keep Fulham out of the news, is supposed to be interested in Leeds striker David Healy once a deal is done regarding the Yorkshire club’s current administration status. It will be genuinely interesting to see how Healy does in the modern Premiership given the quality of his international performances in front of an otherwise mediocre Northern Ireland line-up; one might argue that he deserves a more highly-powered club than the Cottagers, whose stadium is a listed building.

Spurs are also in negotiation with the Netherlands Football Association and UEFA in regard to their desire to move all Tottenham teams, from the reserves on down, to the Dutch leagues. Martin Jol is concerned at the low level of fare available to his young, developing players, and sees Holland as the best answer to the lack of skill and thought of the British youth and reserve leagues. It was rumoured last year that Arsene Wenger had a similar aim in mind regarding French football, but opposition from clubs in the south of France led to him dropping the idea.

..spreading back up the arm/Earlier and earlier (Philip Larkin, As Bad As A Mile)

No sooner had the old one burst but a newer, stronger mockney bubble has Frank Lampard in its malignant, sentimental embrace. It’s not just Barcelona who won’t have him:

He has been offered to us (Barca), Milan, Inter and Real Madrid. Basically all of the big clubs. But none are interested. We are the same as those clubs are, we’re looking for a player who is more creative and has a greater technique than Lampard. So it looks like he will go nowhere.

There it is again, that peculiar bleak gravity that tugs at the golden generation and prevents them from rising above the cultural mediocrity they’ve had to grow up within. Bad news for England, I think: a refreshed, revitalised Lampard would have been quite a bonus. But now for the same old, same old.

Diego Forlan won’t be returning to the Premiership: reports from Spain connect him with a move from Villareal to Atletico Madrid, where he will step into the shoes of Liverpool-bound Fernando Torres. This is a real shame, as Forlan had just begun to recover his confidence at Manchester United when he was defenestrated; even at his lowest, his enthusiasm and determination brought him love rather than contempt. Manchester City in particular, with whom he was linked, have become second-wind club for many a blown-out player. But I mean it’s a shame for us: I suspect he, rather than Torres, has made the right decision.

Many of today’s papers are discussing the possibility of David Dein returning to Arsenal as part of any takeover. It might well happen, but the same sense is there around this as with Lampard of the caravan having moved on. Arsene Wenger is the best manager in combined terms of effectiveness, economy and “sheer wonderful football”, but he can’t choose all of his colleagues, and some of them clearly aren’t up to his level. At present they are corroding his handiwork like so many neglected leaking batteries, and real damage is being done.

The Premier League’s plans to celebrate 120 years of English League Football by playing season 2008-9 with 1888 rules and equipment have been stymied from an unexpected source: the medical profession. The problem is with the old-style leather footballs that would have to be used: in wet weather they can become waterlogged and far heavier than the regulation weight (the regulation weight, contrary to popular opinion, has changed little over the years). A waterlogged ball would still have to be headed:

A London neurologist, Professor Andrew Lees studied the case of Ray Kennedy who developed Parkinson’s Disease soon after helping Liverpool win three European Cups. He concluded that Mr. Kennedy’s illness could have been detected 14 years before he was diagnosed at the age of 35. It is also known that Jeff Astle died at the age of 59 from brain injuries caused by repeatedly heading a football in his 20-year career. Ballistic engineers at the University of Glasgow demonstrated that they soccer ball can approach a speed of 80 mph prior to impacting with one’s head. It should also be noted that Billy McPhail, a player with the Glasgow Celtics in the 1950’s, wound up disabled with pre-senile dementia and died in 2003. Other football players of note was Celtic player Jimmy Johnstone who, in 2002 was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease - Ed); former England manager Don Ravie-ALS; Derby’s Rob Hindmarch-ALS and Middlebrough’s Willie Maddren-ALS. A 1992 Norwegian study found that 35% of active soccer players in that country had abnormal brain scans, and another study in that country of retired professional players found one third (33%) of them had brain atrophy or a shrinking of brain tissue that resulted in behavioral and cognitive problems. The study concluded that the damage was directly related to repeated heading.

However, Match of the Day will press ahead with their plan to film each 2008-9 game with one Edwardian “Prestwich 4″ silent film camera and five minutes’ worth of black and white nitrate film as there are significant cost savings involved.

Nigel Reo-Coker does seem likely to leave West Ham after all, and, one way or another, find himself under a non-mockney regime, good long-term news for England. Manchester City manager in waiting, Sven Goran Eriksson, has ordered an approach be made to the midfielder in a bid to scupper Reo-Coker’s also-promising potential deal with Martin O’Neill at Aston Villa.

And lastly, this inexplicable and bizarre tale from the vaults. What happened to Jock Stein’s knighthood?

Government files dispel the myth that Stein was refused an honour because “he was not the right sort”. Rather, Harold Wilson feared the award would give the impression his government condoned the behaviour of Celtic players who took part in a game remembered as one of the most shameful episodes in Scottish football history.

The documents were not due to have been opened to the public until 2030, but were released following an appeal to the Scottish Freedom of Information Commissioner by The Sunday Times. They include detailed correspondence between government departments, which reveal that the failure to honour Stein, who was the first British club manager to win the European Cup in 1967, was more to do with civil service foot-dragging rather than a deliberate snub.

They reveal that Willie Ross, the Scottish Secretary, lobbied hard to have the Celtic manager knighted and that he believed it was anti-Scottish, rather than class, bias that denied Stein the honour. By the time Whitehall officials accepted Stein should be recognised, Celtic had taken part in a notoriously violent world club championship tie against Racing Club of Argentina in which four of their players were sent off for violent conduct, and their recommendations were rebuffed by Wilson.

One thinks of how Ramsey’s England got past France and Argentina in 1966 and wonders if this was excuse enough. But at least England can put it all behind them next January, when the FA modernizers’ dream team of Clifford, Woodward and Boothroyd start their Euro 2008 preparations.

Villa Park (Philip Larkin MCMXIV)

Don’t believe the broadsheets all the time. Leighton Baines’ left foot is NOT “used as a model for physical perfection in some art history courses” (the Guardian), although Sunderland’s probably abortive interest in him is one more facet of that now very apparent perfect fit between the club and their young manager, Roy Keane, whom the entire place is coming to resemble.

Sadly, one of the summer’s themes is turning out to be the fate of once-promising English strikers. Manchester United’s swap deal of Alan Smith for Blackburn’s Francis Jeffers involves two of them, but the sadder move is that of Malcolm Christie to Nottingham Forest. Frankly, it’s hard to work out what that’s going to do for either club or player. Of course, Nottingham is home to England’s oldest pub outside Lincoln, and the city features heavily in the Mitchell and Kenyon films, and both drink and history hang heavy in footballers’ minds, so we’ll have to put it down to trams and beer, whilst acknowledging that the basic mystery remains unsolved.

It turns out that Thierry Henry’s departure from Arsenal had a lot more behind it than the demise of David Dein: Henry was driven out of the club, fans will be proud to note, by his loyalty to ancient Highbury tradition. Ever since the days when the lingering members of Chapman’s pre-War side were lighting up austerity London, and, let’s face it, something had to, Arsenal has been a faithful user of the Leishmann/Spender Rilke. You’ll already know that at least two of the Neue Gedichte show the influence of the young David Jack. But with the move to the Emirates came change, and Henry, as club captain, is understood to have made a stand against the adoption of a modern translation by Babette Deutsch. The troublesome Deutsch is a paperback edition, but Henry has nothing to fear from his new home: Barcelona stick to the original Insel Verlag.

It looks as if Robert Earnshaw is going to sign for Derby: by the time you read this, the deal might be complete. Earnshaw was born in Zambia, and apart from spells at Norwich, WBA and Cardiff City has spent the whole of his playing career in the lower divisions of the Scottish Football League. I think his recruitment by Billy Davies is a welcome sign that the Premiership is opening up to the best young British talent at last, and it means that Craig Bellamy has some competition up front as Wales enter the crucial part of their Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Match of the Day’s determination to refresh its lineup and its presentation received a blow last night with the news that architect Ptolemy Dean has ruled himself out of the frame for the Saturday evening programme. It is now thought that Alan Shearer will be joining Gary Lineker and independent television’s Jonathan Dimbleby. Contrary to common opinion, Match of the Day is a live programme, and it’s thought that the pressures of broadcasting straight to camera late on a Saturday evening are offputting to prospective pundits. The popular call to switch Match of the Day with the Match of the Day Two (also live) lineup will be ignored owing to the BBC’s large pre-existing investment in the salaries of Lineker and Shearer in particular.

Sven Goran Eriksson’s move to Manchester City is under threat: money deposited in this country by the club’s putative new owner, Thaksin Shinawatra, has been queried by British law enforcement agencies and referred back to Thailand. In any event, Eriksson is a target for Brian Barwick at the FA as England seeks a successor for Steve McClaren. Eriksson, a successful club manager with extensive international managerial experience, is well known to many players in the England squad, and it’s thought that these existing contacts could promote the City manager in waiting, who is Swedish, over the heads of Martin Jol and Arsene Wenger.

The FA are discussing the introduction of a choir at the new Wembley stadium in order to turn it into a fortress. They really are hideously confused within themselves, aren’t they? But it’s true:

“Following feedback from members on the fans’ forum, we have nominated a ’singing section’ for this match,” the FA told members of englandfans.

English football needs an Alan Sokal. And surely easier just to pack the place with Leeds, Millwall and Chelsea fans, or am I confusing fortress with gaol?

Newcastle United have signed defender David Rozenhal, 26, for just under £3 million, but will not now make an offer for Brazilian striker Edmilson who will be out for six months following knee surgery.

..the Oval or Villa Park.. (Philip Larkin, MCMXIV)

It’s disappointing to learn that Frank Lampard’s move to Barcelona is not an attempt to get out of the mockney bubble, but because Chelsea won’t pay him £130,000 per week and because he’s being henpecked on the issue. Good for his other half.

Readers of Stephen Oppenheimer’s Origins of the British will recognise Rafa Benitez’s latest foray for what it is: Miguel Veloso, now at Sporting Lisbon, is a true British midfielder in the Bryan Robson mould, in the sense that all true British midfielders are actually of Iberian origin if you go back far enough. Rafa is right to keep things within the family: according to Alan Shearer, this sort of thing helped win the title for Blackburn Rovers.

Interesting days at West Ham, who have done nothing but suffer since Iain Dale started his contradictory blog, a site which does for the Boleyn Ground what the gypsy curse did for Derby. It works for the Conservative Party, too. Nevertheless, at least the word is out, and Kevin Nolan of Bolton will be the latest player to refuse to pretend that its still Trevor Brooking’s club (if it was ever that at all). Still, as Manchester United discovered in 1974, sometimes relegation can be a necessary purgative.

Darren Bent has moved from Charlton to Tottenham Hotspur: that’s about the right level, isn’t it? But with rumours linking Martin Jol with the England job this coming January, don’t be surprised if Bent finds himself plying his trade under Paul Jewell, who is first in line for the White Hart Lane vacancy when it arises.

And finally, some genuinely good news about skills:

Judging by the limited technical standards of the majority of English schoolboys, Brooking and Lampard have their work cut out. Some help is at hand. Brooking, the Football Association’s director of technical development, and Lampard, the Chelsea midfielder, yesterday launched a £10 million ‘Skills’ programme: one million children aged five to 11 will receive tuition from 66 - the FA’s favourite number - specialist skills coaches, including former players such as Mark Walters.

Catching them young, as Brazil and Holland do, and following Manchester United’s impressive example of working in small-sided games, often four versus four, may nurture techniques that last a lifetime. “We have a group of very talented individuals with England,” Lampard said, “but in big tournaments, when we come up against technical teams, they do have better basic skill levels which they have learned on the beach or in the street.”

Early learning is essential. “As a parent, you wouldn’t wait until your child was 11 to teach them good behaviour because they would run amok,” Brooking said. “It’s the same with technique; you have to work on it early. Once you go into 11 v 11 matches (aged 11), with all these people running at you, you panic because you haven’t the confidence to play a 1-2 to get out of trouble. We also have to change the philosophy of some of the people on the sidelines. We squeeze the flair out of youngsters because they are scared to make mistakes. A youngster also has to understand that step-overs are good, but sometimes a simple five-yard pass is the killer pass. Cesc Fabregas’ reading of pass selection is as good as anyone.”

Mention of Arsenal’s gifted Spaniard raises another issue. “Only 40 per cent of starting XI players in the Premiership are English,” Brooking continued. “In Italy, it is 74 per cent Italian. We want to go up to 70 per cent - but it has to be on merit.

(Except that I’d take exception to Lampard’s “beach or the street” comment. England’s teams were already losing to e.g. Hungary, Brazil etc. long before the motor car drove children indoors. Brazil in particular have taken childhood training extremely seriously from as long ago as the early 1930s).

Those long uneven lines
Standing as patiently
As if they were stretched outside
The Oval or Villa Park,
The crowns of hats, the sun
On moustached archaic faces
Grinning as if it were all
An August Bank Holiday lark
(Philip Larkin, MCMXIV)

I thought it was time for a football rumour column that you can actually believe. Or ought to believe.

We begin with good news: Frank Lampard is off to Barcelona, a £16m move funded by the sale of Deco to Inter Milan. To be blunt, Lampard needs the move. He’s spent the whole of his life in London in a mockney bubble. That’s not good for anyone. It’ll be a change from his weekends running fast past bawling, neckless skinheads and will help him overcome his present England travails.

Fernando Torres is going to be the latest striker to delay Michael Owen’s return to Liverpool (which now looks as though it won’t happen until Rafa returns to Spain). Liverpool is no club for a goalscorer at the moment - the only man to thrive there is Peter Crouch, but it’s obvious by now that Crouch could thrive parked on a deep sea vent. Morientes, Fowler Redux, Cisse and Kuyt have all failed; so will Torres.

Although Nigel Reo-Coker is being linked with Aston Villa, and now Manchester City, the likelihood is that his nightmare will come to pass and he will spend the bulk of the season on West Ham’s reserve bench. This in spite of his generally encouraging performances for England’s Under 21s.

Michael Henderson, in the Telegraph, is wrong about Sven but right in saying farewell to the light blues:

He began to realise that there is no special virtue in following a particular team. Either you support a club, or you don’t. The special pleading of some City fans struck him as rather odd. It was as if they were saying: “Give us marks for not supporting Manchester United”.

Indeed, the hatred aimed at their neighbours was indicative of a craven mentality that only football inspires, and which the game has never done enough to eradicate. An afternoon four years ago at Fulham remains fresh, like a wound. Hundreds of City fans, their faces contorted with anger, spent two hours competing with one another to be ever more offensive. At such moments a sense of fellowship evaporates.

What happened to Beckham last season will happen to Sven in this. But not to Arsene Wenger, who will leave Arsenal shortly and take a brief sabbatical before taking over from Steve McClaren in January. Guus Hiddinck is thought to be Peter Hill-Wood’s favoured successor, probably in partnership with Tony Adams.